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All-Stars: The Greatest Hits from Six Years of Resumes

The items below are taken from resumes submitted to the company where I work, or resumes posted on the DICE job board. These are - no kidding - ACTUAL QUOTES. In the "credit where credit is due" file: Thanks to Mere and Shere (you know who you are!) for finding these. The company we work for is not in the business of ridiculing people. Mere and I, however, are. We compiled this list and stuck it on the company's Intranet when no one was looking. Later, I ripped it off and gave it a new home on the Web. Thus, we proudly present: Actual quotes from the IT industry's brightest stars:

Not that he's arrogant or anything... We deleted his name, but it WASN'T Jesus...
"I am [name omitted], working in Virginia in AS/400. I have 4 years and 1 month of experience in AS/400 and have completed 8 projects. I can walk on water."

If you know what this means, please call us...
"Title: Elf #2" and
1. Prescriptive Planning/Precision Performance/Providential Product
2. Get the job done!
3. Clear the dust."

You mean they can control those things with computers now?
"Responsibilities: Development and maintenance of software for creating and administering computerized testes..."

Uh... is that really a valuable job skill?
"And as far as the Internet goes, I can surf with the best of them."

This candidate has some pretty lofty goals:
"Right now I'm studying English because I want to improve it."

Here, we received some instructions on how to read this resume:
"please take off some moments and go through my resume in relaxing mood here i would wait for your email."

A strange, yet appealing, closing request:
"Kindly do the needful."

If you're going to assist customers, do it this way:
"Duties Included: Stock dairy products on shelves and assist customers with clarity and glorification."

I went to high school with guys who had that last skill...
"Skills: semi tractor trailer, straight truck, reefer"

We're impressed that you wrote a proxy server, but maybe it would have been better if you hadn't told us the reason:
"This was done to gain access to internet for my friends and me when the Company decided to restrict employees' Internet access."

So you started working when you were 7?
"I have five years experience working every day with Windows 95 and MS-DOS installing, configuring, and troubleshooting, two years experience coding in Visual Basic 4.0, and two years experience working with various non-win OSes such as Linux RedHat, Linux Slackware, FreeBSD, OpenBSD, and Ultrix. I am currently a 16 year old sophmore..."

Probably he was missing a quotation mark before the word "Big." Otherwise, somebody should tell him that six inches isn't all that large...
"I have extensive Big Six" experience."

Another very impressive cover letter...
"I am interesting in the position you open now, this is my resume, also I think it's better if you visit my homepage online, this is no funncy staff there, it's only resume."

From the "who are we to disagree" file:
"I got good communicatrion skills and in my previous projects sometimes i handled the project alone.i got some idea in web server administration.i know cold fusion administration. Intrested to relocate anywhere in USA.looking for a better position and iam available right now."

From a recent college grad's resume... isn't this what all college students do?
"Coordinated events that enhanced alcohol and drug abuse dangers amongst students."

Huh? You won a what??
"I have earned pie award for excellence in Info. Tech..."

... and those wonderful DICE guys AGAIN:
"admin for novel 3.x and 4.x, and win nt."
managed a small buisness
two ass; one in computer networking and one in electronics"

Winner of the "narrow it down" award, from DICE:
"Rate: $35.00 to $250.00 and hour...
Preferred Location: Rual, Urban, and Metropolitan Areas are preffered."

And the all-time best previous job description:
"Deceased File Clerk."

This job title is pretty impressive too:
"Narcotic Dog Handler"

Also worthy of mention:
"Shampoo Boy"

And the all time winner for Best Business Name:
Well Hung Gutters

From a Word document which a candidate emailed to us: Put this in the "I trust my spelling checker too much" department. This is one of my all time favorites. And if it wasn't a typo, please tell me where I can apply for this job...
"Interviewed business users to collect additional data whorehouse requirements."

And finally, the one that was the all-time favorite around the office...
"I completed clases at Wright Business School. While I was there I was on the Dean Honor Roll. I was Val Victorian of my class."